


I'm gonna Shrek-kyuu!!

by SpiralQueen



Category: Haikyuu!!, Shrek (2001), Shrek 2 (2004), Shrek Forever After (2010), Shrek Series, Shrek the Third (2007)
Genre: Crack, Crack and Angst, Crossover, First Love, I crave that mineral, Love at First Sight, M/M, Natural Disasters, Other, Teen Angst, Tragedy, cursing, shrek-kyuu!!, unpopular ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 16:05:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2818151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiralQueen/pseuds/SpiralQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Check yourself before you Shrek-kyuu!!self</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm gonna Shrek-kyuu!!

Shrek never wanted to go to Karasuno High School. All he wanted from life was to idle away his days tending to his swamp, growing his earwax, serenading onions and bathing in the raw sewage expelled from Far Far Way. Yes, he was your typical NEET unfortunately therefore, the powers that be decided that his way of life was not productive to society. The declaration from the government under Lord Fuckwad that it was now an obligation that all citizens have at least a High School diploma was about to turn his life upside down. 

As the only local school with the plumbing facilities that could handle his tremendous output, Karasuno was selected as his place of study. 

* * *

 

Despite being a giant green genocidal being, Shrek was good at blending in with the crowd. The first few days of his high school life went without a hitch, but the thing was, the ogre had no friends and no interest in anything that Karasuno had to offer.   
That was, until he met Tanaka Ryūnosuke.

Like all good love stories, it all started with a misplaced look. Or in this case, a repulsed glare across the classroom before homeroom began. Nobody had ever dared to look at him in that way; nobody who still breathes anyway. Such a glare could be considered an act of rebellion against the ogre's dominance and seeing it come from such a puny human sent all sorts of shivers down his warty back.

"How Shreksy...", he whispered to himself.

* * *

Days went by and the green one felt that he was falling deep.  
His toad-stalls were neglected, his boulder mouldy, earwax dry and all because he couldn't stop thinking about the wing spiker. How he would climb a 90° angle for that 68.8kg hunk of mineral.  
Discovering that he no longer had the wax to form a single candle, he decided that he had to take action and face his love.   
Yes, Shrek would try out for the volleyball team.

 

* * *

 

Warning

At this time, I feel that as an author highly concerned with the well-being of her readers, I must warn you that the events you are about to read are extremely disturbing. However, I see it as my duty to report the whole situation precisely and maturely, so that we all may learn the risks of fraternising with ogrekind and protect ourselves.

 

* * *

 

Sliding into the gymnasium, you couldn't hear an onion drop.

"Suuuuggggoooiiii!", a microscopic red-head exploded at his entry, hurtling towards him like a blinding ray of sunlight. Onion boy was sprouting white hairs just looking at him.  
  
"What the Fuckwad?", the ogre roared, confused.

"Aaah, don't mind Hinata. He likes weird things.", a scowling black-haired boy deadpanned.

"Kageyama! That's no way to speak to a potential new recruit!", a more stocky-looking boy remarked as a shrouding black aura gathered.  
After a few seconds of glaring at his co-member, the aura dissipated and he turned to address Shrek directly.

"I'm assuming you're here to try out?"  
  
 _Well, that was fucking weird,_ he thought. Swallowing his bewilderment, he took a deep breath and replied.

"It's on my to-do list..."

* * *

 

He was ex-shrek-ptionally upset by the time his try out began.   
Not only was he standing shivering after having been forced into borrowing a gym kit far too small for him, but Tanaka hadn't spoken to him once!  
No, the object of his affection seemed to busy flirting with another puny twerp to even give the ogre the time of day. 

Personally, Shrek didn't see the appeal. Sure, this boy had pretty awesome hair...the blonde highlight was cute, he guessed. Admittedly the way he was able to save shots barely a second from the floor was admirable and he had a nice perky bottom, unlike Shrek's saggy septic behind. But did he have layers?  
Quite frankly, he felt that with all this rather seductive ignoring behaviour, the shaven-headed beauty was going the right way for a smacked bottom. 

As he was playing hard to get, all he needed to do was somehow get the boys notice. Show him that he was better ogre-all than that Nishinoya fellow. 

* * *

 

Try outs began with a whistle from the breasted manager. At first, Shrek's movements felt clumsy. He had little athletic experience besides his fortnightly village raids and he didn't think that ripping people's heads off was quite the same motion as bashing the ball over the net.  
However, as time passed he found himself limbering up; using his colossal body size as a defensive wall against attacks. When it came to his attacks he found his gigantic mitts(which made the volleyball look the size of a tennis ball) to be ideal for propelling the ball to unguarded areas of the opposition's court.   
  
Indeed, Shrek was ogrewhelmed with his rapid progress, he felt truly invincible. This is when a truly unex-shrek-ted event occurred.  
  
Caught up in the moment, he decided that he wanted to try something out; he just had to wait patiently for the ball so that he could execute the experimental manoeuvre. He was feeling good about this, yet he couldn't stop the butterflies.

  
_What if he failed? Crashed and burned at the feet of his star-crossed lover?_

These thoughts were silenced immediately by an outcry from his fellow gentle giant Asahi. 

"Shrek, heads up!"

His time had come.   
Looking forward he braced himself to receive the ball, letting out a war cry so powerful that it has been said that even Napoleon saluted our green hero from the grave.  
  
"Rolling thunder!"

And with that Shrek erupted with the most rancid bout of flatulence Karasuno and well, Japan, had ever known.  
Bodies hit the floor, windows shattered, babies cried...humanity received a grim reminder of what true intestinal power was. 

In the ecstasy of his release, Shrek had shut his eyes. Marvelling in his triumph, a single onion tear escaped down his cheek and he opened his eyes. 

What he saw cannot be described in words and for the sake of the reader's sanity I will not attempt it. I hope that it will be a consolation to readers that although the volleyball nerds were the closest to impact, it was a swift and clean execution. And of course, they died doing what they enjoyed most. That is everybody, but one.   
  
Lucky? Sadly not. For our survivor, the love rival of our protagonist, was just clinging onto consciousness in the moments following the fallout. Sad, wide eyes searched Shrek for some kind of explanation, some reason, behind this atrocity.

The next words were not what the libero expected,

"Seems like that thunder, came from down under...am I right?!"

No one laughed, in fact there was no movement from any of the members in the court. Shrek bit his lip.

_Well, this is awkward...  
_

Shrek had had some pretty incredible reactions to his gaseous episodes in the past; cries of terror, complete evacuation of villages and the upgrading of radiation warnings in said areas, but never this...this was just plain rude!

Despite being considerably offended by the reception; seeing his fallen lover face-down on the ground, Shrek felt a pang of guilt. He guessed he owed the team an apology; it was the right thing to do.  
  
"Honto gomen.", Shrek whispered. 

Out of the mist in the dying light of the sun the Karasuno volleyball team lay, eternally sleeping like lions on the cold gymnasium floor. 

"Don't mind."

Silence fell, as the libero expelled his final breath.

**Author's Note:**

> For God's sake Shrek, not "once more".  
> *sighs* My unpopular ship will probably never become canon.


End file.
